No profound thoughts... just my heart.

In the next month or so I anticipate my mind and heart to drift often with heaviness to thoughts about Hudson's upcoming birthday. I know it will be this way because it already has been. I've not only prepared my husband and calendar for the anniversary of  "the week" but I am already preparing my heart. As much as is possible I suppose.

You see, yesterday marked one month from the day that I said hello and good-bye, the day that a wheel-chair and the dizziness of my mind lead me from that hospital room to my car. I was supposed to just go home and figure out life. A large portion of my heart still hasn't found its way home from that birthing room. Though the sheets have been changed and the floors mopped they've felt my tears and somewhere my sorrow still lingers. As far as I know, it will never leave.

Right now my heart knows the days better than my head. My subconscious grieves as I near this bitter anniversary.

So in no time at all I'll be faced with September 10^th,11^th, and 12^th. The day I anxiously went to my ultrasound and left with that horrible news, the day I labored to birth Hudson and then the day that he was born.

What am I supposed to do with these dates one year later? Part of me could just skip out on September all together this year. The other part of me wants to embrace it just like I do the month of May, when I met my first born.

My thoughts have ping-ponged back and forth with what to do and what not to do. This past Sunday I got it figured out.

I am going to "celebrate" Hudson's birthday.

Call me crazy. That's ok.

I celebrate everyone else's and I can't stand the thought of not throwing Hudson a birthday "party". Sure, this will take a different form than normal, but that's my baby boy and that's his birthday.

 

For me, avoiding obvious pain triggers seems to intensify the pain. Most people would likely suggest that someone in my shoes not encounter or partake in those things that cause pain.

But ignoring it doesn't make it disappear. It doesn't make me feel any better. What I honestly think is that it makes the other person feel better not to see me upset. If you've lost a baby or a loved one at all, you know what I mean.

I take pride in Hudson. I take pride in his little tiny life and what he's accomplished. My heart smiles to hear someone else say his name. I want to show him off. I want his name to be common to those who know him.

Needless to say when his headstone finally got set a few weeks ago I was crying tears of sadness, joy and pride. I never anticipated how I would feel when I first saw it in person. My baby's name on a headstone. Of course we were sad but we smiled too. We were proud! Just as if Hudson had slept through the night for the first time or just taken his first steps I called my family and so did Brady. We wanted to show off our son.

The moment took me back because I realized I've never had that proud, excited, mom moment where I get to show my baby off.

And unexpectedly this was it!

Our family was there as soon as we called and for the first time, I got to show off my Hudson with pride.