"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
This verse from Isaiah chapter 41 verse 10 was one that I fell in love with months prior to my whole world crashing. It's just comforting to remind myself from time to time through life's various seasons and challenges that God's got this. Whatever I might be afraid of, confused about, or weary dealing with - it's in God's hands. He will help me and He will see me through it. Seems simple enough.
...Until I needed to remember it the most. I'll never forget the moments I wept looking toward Heaven asking God why He forgot about me. For weeks I was unable to utter even the simplest prayer because, although my head knew God had not forgotten about me, my heart and everything else felt completely abandoned by Him. The most I could do was write Him notes.
Yes, I said I wrote God notes. I knew I needed to talk to Him but I just couldn't muster anything more than the same questions and pleas for my life to be put back together.
As time went on I began seeing the very obvious hand of God in my every day comings and goings. I was in the uttermost parts of grief's deepest and darkest valleys and I found myself stunned by God's work in my life.
Those must have been the times He was holding me the highest. Thank God, for moments at a time He would lift me from the raging waters of life so I could take a deep breath and regain the strength to fight the currents some more.
The crazy thing is, in the middle of it all, I really had no concept of exactly how He was helping and strengthening me. At least in my life it takes a little (no, alot) time to see how it is all being worked out.
In those times I may not have seen or felt God walking with me. It felt as though He was gone but He was working. Boy, was He working! Today I enjoy much of the benefits of God's work as He crafted some amazing things behind the scenes while I pleaded for His help.
This is one of them. Well I suppose 4 of them to be exact. I am continually amazed at the weaving of lives and relationships that has taken place in the last 2 years.
You see, in the immediate aftermath of burying our baby I began watching as my relationships and interactions with others changed. I saw connections being made with complete strangers and others that I always felt close to I saw distancing themselves.
Major life events always create change. The death of a child is no exception. It has a way of bridging gaps and cutting bridges. At first I mostly saw the bridges disappear, but I am extremely fortunate as time moved on to watch as God brought people into my life; friends I would've never met, support from unlikely acquaintances and deeper connections from previously shallow how-do-you-do's. All of this because of Hudson.
In this picture is just some of the ladies that I've been paired up with to walk this journey and to glean strength from. I count my blessings when I am with these girls (plus some others!) because I know that it was God's handiwork and pain's deepest longings that brought us together.
God really was strengthening me all along. All the times I felt like an orphaned child He was just busy creating blessing after blessing and lining up every perfect detail that would get me from there to here. He was making links and crafting connections I could've never done on my own and I'm certain He had to be smiling all the while knowing how good it would be.
Dear momma, please know that in the darkest part of it all God is holding you in one hand and crafting everything you need with the other. You may not feel the strength in the midst of the raging waters but it's what keeps you from drowning. Watch closely as you too will eventually see God's amazing work in your situation.