Thursday, October 31, 2013

So here it goes...

I assure you, I've not forgotten about this blog. Time and life have swept me away to other tasks, but I think of those who may type this address into their search engine often.

I think of you all so much so that my heart races a bit in preparation to make this post...

Do you mind my honesty? I'm afraid because I don't want to cause any more pain to the mother who may be wiping away tears today.

I do have something that I want to share, something I rejoice over daily.

Yesterday marked the beginning of my 3rd trimester with the rainbow baby God has graciously allowed us to love.

I'm sure that many who read this already know that I am pregnant. (Thank you to those faithful followers! You help make me feel that my typing isn't just to a computer) Others of you don't know me from Adam and maybe didn't expect to read a post like this on a blog... like this.

Brady and I have been blessed to experience the miracle of life for the fourth time. We are due in January to have a baby girl!

All frills and bows aside, this pregnancy has been remarkably different for me. Not necessarily the physical aspect, but the emotional.

Back in May when I took the positive test I read the results and threw the stick aside as if it were a cruel joke. I went back to folding laundry as if that trip to the bathroom was just like any other. That afternoon my mind continually tried to drift back to the plus sign but I would stop it. Walls were built and only getting taller.

Brady came home from work and his reaction was the same as mine. I was relieved. I didn't want a big to-do over it. At least not yet. I refused to say the "p" word for days. My heart wouldn't let me claim a pregnancy that I knew could be ripped from me at any minute.

Over the course of weeks and months I slowly opened the door to let a little excitement in. Brick by brick the walls have been removed. I wanted to be excited but I couldn't get Hudson and my early miscarriage out of my mind.

Thank God all is normal and well. I am only high risk in my heart on the worrisome days.

Yes, I said worrisome days. Thankfully I've felt peace most days. The times that I haven't felt peace I could probably count on my hands.

I think that the peace has come so easily for me because I've realized (the hard way) that I can't control any outcome. It's just not up to me. I still feel like I'm sitting back, my feet up with a big bowl of popcorn staring at a screen. I'm ultimately not the author of the comings and goings of life. I just get the front row seat.

Pregnancy has opened up a new area of grief. It's made it more tangible. I've revisited thoughts and emotions that have been sacred to me. I've revisited times and locations that have been devastating.

Hudson has become more real to me. Gosh, even that darn "chemical" pregnancy has become more real.

His absence is felt in a whole new way as I fall head-over-heels in love with this little girl.

Many people incorrectly assume that another pregnancy is the medicine for a "lost" one. They couldn't be any more wrong. Another pregnancy peels back layers of emotion and feelings that are untouchable by an empty womb.

On the flip side it has opened my eyes to a whole new way to love and a whole new way to appreciate. I'm so thankful for this!

I definitely haven't forgotten what it was like to see pregnant bellies or hear the news of expectant parents. The knives are gone, but wow, that's a feeling you just don't forget.

It's not that I'm not ecstatic, it's just that I tip-toe around complete public celebration because I don't want to be the person holding the knife.

For those of you feeling the bitter side of this post instead of the sweet, I am truly, truly sorry. I can't claim to understand every single person's feelings or situation and I know full well that I'm ignorant to a lot. My prayers and thoughts continually go out for the mommies that are freshly grieving.

I'm not one to put on a show or pretend to be something I'm not. (Seriously, I don't highlight my hair because of this!) For that reason I've wanted to share openly and honestly about my heart even in this phase of life. Not only that, but my baby is worth sharing and I wouldn't ever want her or someone else to think that I'm ashamed of this precious gift of her life.

So, I'll leave you today in eager hopes that my words haven't caused unneeded pain. Hopefully they've shed a glimmer of light onto the realities of this whole mommy and pregnancy thing.