Friday, May 17, 2013

Break Your Silence

Ever felt a sense of shame for your situation?

A recent conversation often comes to mind. It was a simple, short conversation but it had a huge impact on me. Another mom probably my age or a tad older asked me how many children I have.

 "I have one here and two in Heaven. How many do you have?"

 "I have four."

She then turned around, ending the conversation right there. Was she was put off by my reply? A few seconds later I see her turn back around to me…

 "I have one in Heaven too."

That was it. At that moment I decided to make my experimental reply to that question a permanent one. You see, this mom felt safe to acknowledge her baby in Heaven because I first acknowledged mine.

Pardon me to be so blunt, but if your mom or dad dies, do you pretend as if they never existed? No. So why should you if your baby dies during pregnancy or even shortly after? I see where this topic is so off limits in our society. It is cast out as inappropriate or uncomfortable. No wonder moms don't mention their children in Heaven. They are afraid to.  I believe that well intentioned people can say things to inadvertently inflict feelings of shame on mothers who've had pregnancy loss. Comments like, "well, at least you already have one." or "You can always have more." Only create shame and diminish the worth of their feelings or worse, their child's life.

Don't be ashamed! No matter where or when your loss was, you are still a mommy to a baby.

Maybe I'm just different. My husband and I had another loss in February. This was a very very early loss. No, I don't feel fear in acknowledging that loss. Yes, I do sort of dread the awkward silence it causes when I tell someone that I have two babies in Heaven. Possibly this acknowledgement comes easy to me though, because Hudson was my first loss. One that we couldn't hide. 

Isn't it worth it?

I have been amazed by the number of women that I've crossed paths with in life that have experienced loss. What’s even more amazing, is that I had no clue until I had my loss.

Don't you think that the loneliness of grief could be alleviated just a bit to know that countless other women have been there? Let me challenge you to boldly claim your baby.

I'm far from being a trend-setter, but I'm ready to set one. I will break my silence. I will see to it that other women have an opportunity to break theirs.

Will you?


  1. thanks for this! I also mention my child in heaven when I'm asked how many I have. I'm glad that I'm not the only one. even though I was pregnant for only a short while with him(it was a 1st trimester loss at 11 weeks), that doesn't make me any less his mother or him and less my child.

  2. Thanks for sharing! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!

  3. It was a year ago that I lost my baby. I was very early in my pregnancy and was no longer with the baby's father. It was as I was trying to find the words to tell him about the pregnancy that I lost my angel and my life's dream. I pulled myself into a quiet hole from which I hoped never to come out. I was ashamed that I could not do what seemingly every other woman in my world could do...carry and give birth. I told very few people. This was my pain and no one really knows what it is like.
    But that is not true. Other women go through this and though it is different for each one of us, there are women out there that will listen and understand...women that will not judge and will allow me to feel my pain. I have met beautiful women that share my pain and allow me the safety to express it.
    It has been with the help of wonderful women that I found a way to honor my baby as the one year of my loss came around. I found the strength to break my silence and claim my baby! I shared my loss with my mother and even gave my baby a name. Though I was too early to know boy or girl I found a name that still has meaning. Sammy will always be a part of me, but it was only through breaking my silence that I found the courage to honor my child.

  4. I love this and your candidness about the struggle it was to open up. Because of your bravery, now even more people can appreciate and love Sammy's short life!