It's Christmas and everyone is either talking about Santa or the baby in the manger. For many of you I'm sure the ladder of those two topics brings about some different kinds of feelings. It definitely does for me.
It started after I had my first son, Dawson. The whole "baby boy" thing just seemed more tangible to me. I could put myself in Mary's shoes, or attempt to, and it all felt so personal.
Christmas came just three months after my second baby boy went to Heaven and that absolutely put a new spin on the "baby boy" thing. Songs like "Mary did you Know?" could push me over the edge. Though I love that song all I could (and sometimes still) think about is the baby boy I wasn't holding.
Well, to add another spin to my Christmas-y ponderings I've put myself in God's shoes. I realize that's totally not even remotely possible, but let me explain.
I said good-bye to Hudson and right away I was angry with God. I didn't know exactly why, other than He was in control and He clearly did not honor my wishes or my prayers for that matter. I knew enough in my head not to blame God but my heart had a hard time not doing so.
I'll never forget thinking about how I could NEVER be God. For a huge amount of reasons but mostly because there was no way I could hand my son to the sinful nature of man to be battered and bruised for their iniquities. NO WAY! While going through this it hit me. I started to realize one of the reasons I was angry with God. The words came from my mouth...
"But you got your son back!!!!"
Oh it made me mad to think about. I wasn't getting mine back. This wasn't my choice. God CHOSE to send his OWN son for us. And in that time my mind was convinced that it was because He knew He would get Jesus back. What a selfish thing, I thought.
I feel foolish for writing all of this for people to read. Thinking back, I do understand my thought process but I also understand now that my anger blinded me from the real truth.
God did make the choice to send His only son to Earth. And yes, He did get Jesus back for all eternity. But there's more to it. The only reason God did this was for US!
If God didn't make that choice then Hell would be our home for all eternity. Instead, He chose to send a baby to this world that would one day die upon a cross so that all creation could have the chance to live in Heaven with our creator.
And with our babies.
That's what I think about now. It wasn't selfish of God. It just appeared so in the moment when I too angry to look at the big picture.
God designed all of this so that we might be saved and as a perk we can live eternally in Heaven with those babies we long so desperately to have with us right now.
When I take a step back and stretch my mind to think about eternity - forever and ever and ever. This life I live now seems so small and I'm thankful that when I go to Heaven I can spend ALL of forever with Hudson and those that I love.
There's a good chance I'm the only one who thinks these crazy thoughts, but then again, there's a good chance I'm not. Today I challenge to you to look at the big picture. If it's just to hard then give it some time. If you really don't understand the big picture or anything that I've written then by all means ask God to help you.
I pray for a Merry Christmas for all of you. I pray that your hearts find peace in knowing that the baby we celebrate has died to make a place in Heaven for your baby, and for you when you accept Him into your heart.