When life falls apart...

It was just one year ago since I first learned that I was pregnant with little Hudson...

 

To discover you are pregnant is quite an emotional experience in itself. It is a good thing I didn't know at the time what exactly that pregnancy would give birth to.

 

Yea, I carried a baby and delivered a child. Although it was absolutely not the way I would've planned it, I am thankful to God for many of the things that have taken place since this day one year ago.

 

Sure, on the outside my life looks identical to the way it did the day that I nervously read the positive on that pregnancy test. But, in all reality, my life has changed more in the last year than at any other time.

 

 I was pregnant with a baby, a hope, a dream, a desire that seemed sure to be fulfilled. With a baby on the way, our house nearly sold, another one picked out, and a family vehicle in the works, I was proud and naïvely confident that my own plans were going to succeed. Life seemed to be moving forward just like it should. I can say with confidence, I have never been more wrong about anything.

 

Ever.

 

See, God saw fit to take those desires and plans and one-by-one allow me lose my carnal hold of them.

 

So, what did that pregnancy test mean?  It meant I was about to give birth to life's darkest, most difficult and painful season. It meant my whole world would spiral out of control as I grasped to catch a piece of it and keep it within my control, my reach. 

 

What's better, it meant that the very core of who I am would change forever. My priorities would take new order, my world view a new shape, and my faith deeper roots. I gave birth to the reality of who I really am and a better understanding of my all Sovereign Savior.

 

Today, I live and breathe differently because of the severe disappointment and growth that I've been forced into. My hope is that people don't see me as a victim of life's unfortunate circumstances. I've become a student to my own shortcomings and the plans that God has mapped out for me. For this, I am eternally grateful.

 While I would do anything to be in the home that my heart once envisioned and hold my sweet baby boy, I've surely learned by now that it is not my own desires that are important. To really understand that my life belongs to God makes it so much easier to let Him be the keeper of my dreams. To surrender every aspect of my life and heart over to Him has to be one of the hardest things to learn, but in the end, it's worth the lesson.

 

If I can be honest about all of this, then I guess I have to be honest and admit that it all still hurts. Not just losing my baby, but losing everything I put my heart into for so many months. It still stings. Bad.

 

I wouldn't even know how to pretend that I understand why God would let all of this disappointment happen. In the last year I've had more taken from me than what's been restored. I don't get it, but I would sure like to.

 

I find myself, even now, searching for answers. But really, answers don't matter.

Ok, yea I do think they would provide me with a little more peace. But Jesus Christ has to be my answer. When nothing else makes sense, I know that He does.

 

It was the week after "the week". My husband was back to work, the burial service was done and I was home. Alone. Just as it had every other day, emotion swept over me the moment I finally allowed it to. I sat on my loveseat in the living room after putting Dawson down for his nap. I had my journal and pen in hand. I began to write about how angry I was that a loving God could allow his child to go through so much disappointment.

 

I was angry that seemingly everything had been taken from me.

 

What I understand now, more than ever, is that it wasn't mine to begin with.

 

As my pen scribbled on the tear stained pages of my journal, a song began to play on the radio that stopped me dead in my tracks. My heart froze for a moment as I realized the God of Heaven was speaking to me. I was astonished. Every lyric of that song found its way into my heart and mind as an answer. Just the answer I needed.

 

Today, this song still makes my heart race as it brings up such fresh emotion.

 

"Even If" by Kutless