You see, yesterday marked one month from the day that I said
hello and good-bye, the day that a wheel-chair and the dizziness of my mind lead
me from that hospital room to my car.
I was supposed to just go home and figure out life. A large portion of my
heart still hasn't found its way home from that birthing room. Though the
sheets have been changed and the floors mopped they've felt my tears and
somewhere my sorrow still lingers. As far as I know, it will never leave.
Right now my heart knows the days better than my head. My subconscious
grieves as I near this bitter anniversary.
So in no time at all I'll be faced with September 10th,11th, and 12th. The day I anxiously went to my ultrasound and left with that horrible news, the day I labored to birth Hudson and then the day that he was born.
What am I supposed to do with these dates one year later?
Part of me could just skip out on September all together this year. The other
part of me wants to embrace it just like I do the month of May, when I met my
first born.
My thoughts have ping-ponged back and forth with what to do
and what not to do. This past Sunday I got it figured out.
I am going to "celebrate" Hudson's birthday.
Call me crazy. That's ok.
I celebrate everyone else's and I can't stand the thought of
not throwing Hudson a birthday "party". Sure, this will take a
different form than normal, but that's my baby boy and that's his birthday.
For me, avoiding obvious pain triggers seems to intensify
the pain. Most people would likely suggest that someone in my shoes not
encounter or partake in those things that cause pain.
But ignoring it doesn't make it disappear. It doesn't make
me feel any better. What I honestly think is that it makes the other person
feel better not to see me upset. If you've lost a baby or a loved one at all,
you know what I mean.
I take pride in Hudson. I take pride in his little tiny life
and what he's accomplished. My heart smiles to hear someone else say his name.
I want to show him off. I want his name to be common to those who know him.
Needless to say when his headstone finally got set a few
weeks ago I was crying tears of sadness, joy and pride. I never anticipated how
I would feel when I first saw it in person. My baby's name on a headstone. Of
course we were sad but we smiled too. We were proud! Just as if Hudson had
slept through the night for the first time or just taken his first steps I
called my family and so did Brady. We wanted to show off our son.
The moment took me back because I realized I've never had
that proud, excited, mom moment where I get to show my baby off.
And unexpectedly this was it!
Our family was there as soon as we called and for the first
time, I got to show off my Hudson with pride.
